Sarah's Blog

My heart beats, thumping to its beat. The rhythm pumps through my veins like a song. The lyrics flow into my head, creating an illusion. But no one hears me. I’m screaming. My mouth opens while jumbled words escape. Where is my song? Where is my beat? The answer lies within my lyrics.

People do not see the woman beneath the elaborate facade. They see the dresses as the woman. The hair makes her personality. The world sees what they want. It’s easy for her to be nothing more than a face. The world tells her she’s one thing. Her brain tells her she’s another. Sometimes all the voices join together, making things twisted. It’s easy to lose a child in the crowd. It’s easy to become what others say. The hard part is drowning those voices out so only one remains.

I see the woman beneath the mask. I hear her voice. I see her in the crowd. And she isn’t going anywhere.

The sky is starry and majestic.
Anything is possible here,
For the moon and the stars are poetic.
Everything is now so clear.
Things aren’t black or white here.
I haven’t faltered or failed.
I’ve transformed throughout this year.
Here my true self has prevailed.

My mind is jailed.
My body is shackled.
Why must I stay here?
Why must I be silenced?
I am not free to roam like before.
Freedom means truth.
Honesty comes at a price.
One many cannot afford to pay.
But I cannot give away my freedom,
No matter the penance.

Father time carries his clock, ticking it down. So, finally, here comes the new year leaving behind the old. It’s time to start over, redo, and forget the wrongs of our pasts. But our wrongs never leave us, no matter the year. Simply forgetting about them dooms us to repeat them. Instead, it’s time to forgive ourselves and say we can do better today, tomorrow, and next year.

She once wanted to be invisible and fade away without being known. To be invisible means disappearing into a crowd while faces blur together, creating nothing distinctive. If people couldn’t see her, they couldn’t see the scars hiding underneath.

Being invisible meant people wouldn’t expect anything. There can’t be a failure in invisibility. So she tried for years to fade away. She’d wear neutral clothes hoping to be unrecognizable. But someone always saw her, whether she wanted to be or not. It was frustrating for her to live in a world without a choice. So, she came to a crossroads where she could push herself down, wiping away her distinctiveness, or be the person she always was.

What she learned was that people are not invisible. It’s impossible. Because once someone is created, they leave a mark somewhere on someone. That cannot be destroyed. People’s legacies are forever.

So, with time, she accepted who she was and unveiled herself. And one day, wearing a bright-colored shirt wasn’t so scary. She even wears fancy gowns. It’s okay to be seen and noticed. Just ask the once-aspiring invisible girl. I would know.

Through the glass, she looks to see a world she once knew. Things are different now. It isn’t the same. What once was grey has found its color. Through the glass, she sees the light. The darkness has dissipated. What once was hopeless is possible.

The sun touches my skin, bringing me home. The heavens have opened, singing sweet songs. Yet, the deafening silence leaves me empty. Why have you gone, leaving me here to suffer alone? Why did you leave me behind? I’ll never know why. But, I guess I have the sun and the sky to keep me company. Maybe one day you’ll return.

The sun breathes light into the rippled water—reflections of past swirl beneath, creating whirlpools. While the wind whirls, mixing the future and the present. Here there’s history, a past, that no one knows. Secrets and time are kept between the sun and the water. But sometimes, in moments like this, I hear the past reminding me not to forget the reflection I once saw. But by sunset, the reflections disappear. There are no more ripples or swirls.

Instead, there’s darkness. It’s inevitable when we forget who we are or what we were. But tomorrow, the sun will reappear, and I’ll try again. I’ll try to remember who she once was and her dreams. Maybe then the sun will never leave.

Little boys grow up encouraged to play on sports teams. Basketball, football, baseball, or what have you. For the team to win, they must work together. Cooperation means success. Brotherhood is forever.

Opposingly, one of the main concepts taught to little girls is the idea that other girls mean competition. Girls compete with each other to be seen, heard, or sometimes acknowledged. Comradery is a big no in the girl world. Why? I have no idea. It’s wrong, but it’s real.

Society teaches young girls that they need to be powerful to be something. But power means someone else doesn’t have any. So, when another girl is considered threatening to their resources, the metaphorical claws appear. This is when it becomes normal for girls to put others down to cover any insecurities. Hence they become powerful by taking away from another.

But this competitive mindset and comparative outlooks are just unhealthy and extremely negative. You are beautiful in your own way. Anyone worth having in your life will see that and understand you. Saying another woman is less than you doesn’t decrease her worth. It only gives YOU a false sense of security. It’s not other women who are the competition. The competition is within yourself and thinking you’re not good enough to stand beside another person who shines.

The ocean owns my heart, while the sun captures my soul. The horizon blurs as the wind carries my songs in tune with the trees. Forever I’ll belong to this moment in time. I am frozen in youth, in tune with the ocean. This is me forever.

The tree grows in the front yard, blossoms in the spring, and dies in the winter. So throughout a year, the tree goes through an entire life cycle. But things are always more than meets the eye because the dirt covers the roots growing underneath. So parts of the tree’s growth remain unnoticed. And yet, underneath, an entire ecosystem exists. Progress may remain unseen, but that’s doesn’t mean the tree has failed. Trees don’t grow overnight. People don’t either.

The world says you’re this. Everyone says you’re that. The people that hold power may not even know that they’re the ones who put you in a box. They’re the ones who started this all. But were they? They didn’t start something you didn’t allow. They live with you because you allow their words to stop you, to define you. But that’s not how it should be. It’s not too late to step out of the box you and others pushed or labeled you inside. Your fate lies within yourself. Use your power wisely.

I’ve never been one to celebrate my birthday. I always thought, what is there to celebrate? Am I supposed to celebrate the fact that I’m getting older? Or am I supposed to acknowledge the day that connects me to painful memories? See, it’s hard to celebrate your birthday without thinking about the person who gave you life. So once my mom died, I thought, what’s the point of thinking about something like that? What’s the point of celebrating when someone you loved is gone? My answer was there was no point. Because the way I’ve always coped was pushing things so far down that, I convinced myself that they never happened. But days like your birthday make it hard to erase the past.

It’s taken me seven years since she died to celebrate my birthday for all of those reasons. But as I get older, I realize how precious life is and how meaningful it can be when you’re surrounded by people who love you. Sometimes, it doesn’t feel like there will ever be anything worth celebrating again after something tragic. But this world is ever-evolving and changing, and staying trapped in moments for the rest of life, or letting them cement me forever, seemed like a shame. So my entire life continued to pass me by, and I refused to acknowledge it until I did. And once I did, it was painful to acknowledge the loss, and there was guilt for living my life without her.

Sometimes, it feels like things will never get better, like getting over the hump is impossible. But I promise that over time, that unbearable pain eases, and things do get better. I’ve experienced it first hand, and now I’m able to celebrate my life along with acknowledging where I came from because I am Sarah Collins-Saupe with my mother’s spirit and my father’s mind. And nothing can take that from me.

Once upon a time, you were a bright-eyed dreamer, shooting for the moon and past the stars. You may have stretched your arms toward being an astronaut, doctor, lawyer, or singer. Then, in Kindergarten, they asked, what do you want to be? And you had the perfect answer then. You knew who you were and what you wanted. But that was then when you were a child, and this is now after you’ve been exposed to the harsh world that tells you those dreams are only fitments of the things we wish we were. No, you need a real job kid that pays the bills. So you give up and stop trying to imagine. You lose your way on the long and winding road, and your once-clear destination is now out of sight. You’ve lost the kid in you and stopped dreaming because the world put you in an arbitrary place in society. And soon, that place becomes your identity, and those dreams become forgotten. You become forgotten and lose hope that there’s something in this world you’re meant to do or be. But it doesn’t have to be that way; you don’t have to throw away your passions. You can be both a professional and a dreamer.

Dreaming keeps us motivated; it keeps us focused and gives us hope. Dreams aren’t silly unless you give them the power to others to dictate what you want. I believe in dreams; I believe in you, and I believe in me. That’s what dreams can do, give us hope for the future. So, don’t lose hope, and most importantly, don’t lose yourself. Maybe that Kindergartener knew more than you thought.

All of the things that I stuffed under my bed are building. The withering boxes are overflowing. For my whole life, I’ve tried to organize everything into neat little boxes so they’d never have to be touched again. I categorized and stuffed things into these cardboard fantasy lands, hoping that would fix the problem. How can I remember things if they’re stored away? This system has worked for so many years. Something bad happens, goes in the box, and I keep moving forward as if it never happened. But as the years progress, the boxes keep growing, and the space under my bed becomes more and more crammed with these things that I refused to see. As a result, my storage is becoming overcrowded and filled with viruses that haunt my past.

Using the boxes only helped me in the short term. They helped me survive, but what happens after I’m out of the gauntlet; what then? I still, to this day, cannot forget the pain; I cannot forget the memories because they always stay with me. I’ve realized I’ve outgrown those dusty old boxes under my bed. They serve no purpose to me anymore.

My past, my boxes, each piece binds together and makes me who I am. And I like who I am. So, it’s time to unpack those boxes and begin my life new because no one else can do that for me. Not today or tomorrow; I hold the key to unlocking what’s inside. And I think it’s time I tried.

The beauty she holds solely in her hands. Her hair is auburn, her feet small and delicate. The beauty she holds allows the world to take without permission. For she knows it’s a fleeting gift at best.

A rose is a common woody plant that prides itself on being fragrant and blushing. The most beautiful precious flower surrounds itself with powerful protections, its thorns. A distant gaze may trick one into believing this delicate creation is docile, pretty, and submissive. But look closer, and it’s easy to see the flower is the opposite. One wrong grab or pluck and one could be left bleeding from the wounds the flower causes. Looks can be deceiving. Some of the most beautiful creations can trick our minds into believing they’re harmless even when they aren’t.

The flowers burn deep inside my soul.
It flourishes and sprouts, giving breath to new life.
The petals nourish the body
These flowers are the reason for continuing
They give me the strength to endure.
For the flowers are forever
embedded within.

The rain drips onto my bare skin, and it intertwines with my freckles. I watch it pool underneath my feet and feel it soak into my socks, wondering how long the storm can last. The thunder roars as the lightning flashed, bringing me to my knees. How can such a natural element in life be so powerful, to create a powerful feeling?

I look to the clouds above that are grey swirled with speckles of white. They appear to be crying for the past and yearning for the future. For how long can they cry and belt without being seen? The answer is unclear, for the clouds have cried for hundreds of thousands of years; we may never know why she cries. All we know is that she does, and all we can do is appreciate the rainbows that come after the storm. The rain brings a new day and growth through the violence and chaos.

The things unseen become frightening. For you never know what’s to come. The fear holds you back from walking forward. But then the unknown abyss becomes your world, for everything becomes unknown. The unknown shouldn’t be feared but accepted. You cannot control the future or the things on the outside.

The wheel that spins over the pier flashes its lights. The metal cage sways with the breeze, back and forth, while your feet dangle above the world below. The dots on the street move in different directions, scattering. They march together to a beat.

I ask, do the people down below feel this breeze? This sense of freedom? Being so up high away from it all can give you perspective.

My friend says, How could they feel free marching in the crowd, following the masses?

Freedom is flying; flying is freedom. Birds are free, and as long as we’re on this wheel, so are we.

Twisted under your threads
suffocated under your breath
intertwined with you
enemy to my happiness.
I kept your presence secret,
twisted in your lies
tangled in your webs.
Held under the spell of fear
The enemy was never on the outside
but the thorns that festered within.

The rain comes, with the downpour of tears.
It comes with a sense of sadness.
While you expose your fears
They see you while the water washes away
the facade you’ve created.
The rain exposes the person you’ve hidden.
Are you afraid you’ll be hated?
Is that why you avoid the rain,
Because the pain was too great?

A bird flaps its wings, touching each side of its round metal cage. Its lungs suffocate while they expand. You see, birds like this aren’t meant to be enclosed. Their hearts and minds yearn to be free, and capturing them goes against nature. They need to be free to spread their wings. Encasing them against their will causes them to remain frozen in a fleeting moment. And they spend the rest of their lives trying to break free.

Don’t allow yourself to become the bird captured and forever frozen. We aren’t meant to be preserved in the glass-like decomposing butterflies.

I think all of us want to move forward after last year. But I always have to remind myself that a different year doesn’t mean things disappear. I’ve found one of the best ways to move forward is to accept all the things that are out of my control. Last year felt completely out of my control. But one thing I can control is myself and my ability to grow. The first step is acknowledgment.

My biggest flaw is how much power I give to others. I often ask myself, how can I move forward if I’m always dragging everyone’s opinions with me? The answer is, I can’t. We all have choices that we must make. Not making a decision is a choice. Listening too much to others is a choice. We all make mistakes, or maybe something happens that we can’t control. I vow going forward to be a better version of myself.

I want you to know that you carry the strength to move forward through the dense sand. That’s your power that lies within. Because no matter how tough things get, you always have yourself. Remember that whenever you doubt yourself or a decision. You always have your skills, knowledge, and experience with you, and one day we all have to trust that will be enough. I know that’s a lesson I’m still learning, and if you are too, then good, that means we’re all a little human.

What do I want from this world?
Sucess or money,
fame or fortune.
I guess it’d all be nice.
But what I want
is to be the best version of myself
and find who I really am.
Because what’s all the treasures worth
if your whole life is a sham?

You know that saying, it only takes one second for your whole life to change? Yeah, well, it’s true because in one instant, my entire life did change, and it’ll never be the same. It’s taken me six years to say it out loud.

When I was 21 years old, my mom died. I was a child, but I felt like I needed to be strong, so I told everyone I was okay for years. But deep down, I knew I was hurting. Losing a parent changes you; no matter how old you get, it just does. The very thought of losing a piece of me was something I couldn’t bear for the longest time. And it ate away from me and my happiness for those years. I couldn’t acknowledge my pain because, honestly, it was just too hard. I couldn’t face the thought that I’d never see her again, or she wouldn’t be at my wedding. But with events in my life this year, I was forced to face my pushed down emotions.

And I learned that no one else could ever take the pain away, which a huge part of me has secretly hoped would happen. But no one ever did, and the pain and emotions lingered inside. Until I decided to acknowledge them, and although it was difficult, I needed to heal. So yeah, a split second can change your life forever, but so can the decisions we make. So, it’s important to be easy on ourselves and take things slow, knowing that we are fully capable of becoming happier, healthier people by decisions we make within those seconds.

There was this woman,
so beautiful and small,
but no one ever listened
and she often felt like a doll.
Being dragged around
powerless and voiceless
but perfect on the outside.
Is that the price one must pay these days?
To be perceived as perfect.
Do you have to lose everything?
If so, then it’s better to be ugly
And leave it all behind
After all, there is no world without our minds.