I Gaze

I gaze in the mirror at my reflection, and I don’t recognize the person I see anymore. My physical appearance looks the same, but somehow, I am different. Maybe it’s because I no longer see myself as the insecure girl I once was. Perhaps it’s because, over the course time, I have somehow managed to shed a part of myself that I never thought I could.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about why this is. I mean, how can a person change so much in such a short amount of time. A year ago, I moved to Denver, a much bigger city than the place in which I was raised. I had never lived outside of Idaho; I don’t blame you if you don’t know where that is. The point is, I was in the same place my entire life, and I felt stuck and bored. I was surrounded by negative people who I felt didn’t understand or support me. I always thought the problem was me; somehow, I was the person who needed to change, that I was the broken doll that needed repair.

Well, cue me moving away to a bigger city, and over a year, I discovered that the problem was never me. The real problem was I didn’t believe in myself and was too afraid to become my own person. Last year, I stopped writing, I stopped being true to my passions in life, and I stopped believing in my capabilities and talents.

I only moved here because I thought I was supposed to go to law school and become a successful attorney; not because I liked the state. But, even when I was doing the things I was “supposed” to be doing, I didn’t feel better. I still felt stuck, almost as if I were frozen in time. And I did the only thing I knew how. I finally listened to myself. I shut out all the outside voices and began to think about what I wanted for my life. I slowly began to write again. And most importantly, I quit law school, which was the best decision I ever made because I knew it wasn’t what I wanted. I believe that we can choose our paths, and I decided mine instead of doing what I was supposed to do.

This year I began living my life for me. And my decisions have reflected that. Everything I write, every picture I take, and the things I do are for me, not for everyone’s approval. And I have become a lot happier and self-assured.

And once I started thinking for myself, I learned that I didn’t need certain people in my life. I learned that all I have ever needed was myself. And now, when I look in the mirror, I see her, the person I’ve always dreamed of being, and I think that’s enough.