Birthday

I’ve never been one to celebrate my birthday. I always thought, what is there to celebrate? Am I supposed to celebrate the fact that I’m getting older? Or am I supposed to acknowledge the day that connects me to painful memories? See, it’s hard to celebrate your birthday without thinking about the person who gave you life. So once my mom died, I thought, what’s the point of thinking about something like that? What’s the point of celebrating when someone you loved is gone? My answer was there was no point. Because the way I’ve always coped was pushing things so far down that, I convinced myself that they never happened. But days like your birthday make it hard to erase the past.

It’s taken me seven years since she died to celebrate my birthday for all of those reasons. But as I get older, I realize how precious life is and how meaningful it can be when you’re surrounded by people who love you. Sometimes, it doesn’t feel like there will ever be anything worth celebrating again after something tragic. But this world is ever-evolving and changing, and staying trapped in moments for the rest of life, or letting them cement me forever, seemed like a shame. So my entire life continued to pass me by, and I refused to acknowledge it until I did. And once I did, it was painful to acknowledge the loss, and there was guilt for living my life without her.

Sometimes, it feels like things will never get better, like getting over the hump is impossible. But I promise that over time, that unbearable pain eases, and things do get better. I’ve experienced it first hand, and now I’m able to celebrate my life along with acknowledging where I came from because I am Sarah Collins-Saupe with my mother’s spirit and my father’s mind. And nothing can take that from me.