Sarah's Blog

The ocean owns my heart, while the sun captures my soul. The horizon blurs as the wind carries my songs in tune with the trees. Forever I’ll belong to this moment in time. I am frozen in youth, in tune with the ocean. This is me forever.

The tree grows in the front yard, blossoms in the spring, and dies in the winter. So throughout a year, the tree goes through an entire life cycle. But things are always more than meets the eye because the dirt covers the roots growing underneath. So parts of the tree’s growth remain unnoticed. And yet, underneath, an entire ecosystem exists. Progress may remain unseen, but that’s doesn’t mean the tree has failed. Trees don’t grow overnight. People don’t either.

The world says you’re this. Everyone says you’re that. The people that hold power may not even know that they’re the ones who put you in a box. They’re the ones who started this all. But were they? They didn’t start something you didn’t allow. They live with you because you allow their words to stop you, to define you. But that’s not how it should be. It’s not too late to step out of the box you and others pushed or labeled you inside. Your fate lies within yourself. Use your power wisely.

I’ve never been one to celebrate my birthday. I always thought, what is there to celebrate? Am I supposed to celebrate the fact that I’m getting older? Or am I supposed to acknowledge the day that connects me to painful memories? See, it’s hard to celebrate your birthday without thinking about the person who gave you life. So once my mom died, I thought, what’s the point of thinking about something like that? What’s the point of celebrating when someone you loved is gone? My answer was there was no point. Because the way I’ve always coped was pushing things so far down that, I convinced myself that they never happened. But days like your birthday make it hard to erase the past.

It’s taken me seven years since she died to celebrate my birthday for all of those reasons. But as I get older, I realize how precious life is and how meaningful it can be when you’re surrounded by people who love you. Sometimes, it doesn’t feel like there will ever be anything worth celebrating again after something tragic. But this world is ever-evolving and changing, and staying trapped in moments for the rest of life, or letting them cement me forever, seemed like a shame. So my entire life continued to pass me by, and I refused to acknowledge it until I did. And once I did, it was painful to acknowledge the loss, and there was guilt for living my life without her.

Sometimes, it feels like things will never get better, like getting over the hump is impossible. But I promise that over time, that unbearable pain eases, and things do get better. I’ve experienced it first hand, and now I’m able to celebrate my life along with acknowledging where I came from because I am Sarah Collins-Saupe with my mother’s spirit and my father’s mind. And nothing can take that from me.

Once upon a time, you were a bright-eyed dreamer, shooting for the moon and past the stars. You may have stretched your arms toward being an astronaut, doctor, lawyer, or singer. Then, in Kindergarten, they asked, what do you want to be? And you had the perfect answer then. You knew who you were and what you wanted. But that was then when you were a child, and this is now after you’ve been exposed to the harsh world that tells you those dreams are only fitments of the things we wish we were. No, you need a real job kid that pays the bills. So you give up and stop trying to imagine. You lose your way on the long and winding road, and your once-clear destination is now out of sight. You’ve lost the kid in you and stopped dreaming because the world put you in an arbitrary place in society. And soon, that place becomes your identity, and those dreams become forgotten. You become forgotten and lose hope that there’s something in this world you’re meant to do or be. But it doesn’t have to be that way; you don’t have to throw away your passions. You can be both a professional and a dreamer.

Dreaming keeps us motivated; it keeps us focused and gives us hope. Dreams aren’t silly unless you give them the power to others to dictate what you want. I believe in dreams; I believe in you, and I believe in me. That’s what dreams can do, give us hope for the future. So, don’t lose hope, and most importantly, don’t lose yourself. Maybe that Kindergartener knew more than you thought.

All of the things that I stuffed under my bed are building. The withering boxes are overflowing. For my whole life, I’ve tried to organize everything into neat little boxes so they’d never have to be touched again. I categorized and stuffed things into these cardboard fantasy lands, hoping that would fix the problem. How can I remember things if they’re stored away? This system has worked for so many years. Something bad happens, goes in the box, and I keep moving forward as if it never happened. But as the years progress, the boxes keep growing, and the space under my bed becomes more and more crammed with these things that I refused to see. As a result, my storage is becoming overcrowded and filled with viruses that haunt my past.

Using the boxes only helped me in the short term. They helped me survive, but what happens after I’m out of the gauntlet; what then? I still, to this day, cannot forget the pain; I cannot forget the memories because they always stay with me. I’ve realized I’ve outgrown those dusty old boxes under my bed. They serve no purpose to me anymore.

My past, my boxes, each piece binds together and makes me who I am. And I like who I am. So, it’s time to unpack those boxes and begin my life new because no one else can do that for me. Not today or tomorrow; I hold the key to unlocking what’s inside. And I think it’s time I tried.

The beauty she holds solely in her hands. Her hair is auburn, her feet small and delicate. The beauty she holds allows the world to take without permission. For she knows it’s a fleeting gift at best.

A rose is a common woody plant that prides itself on being fragrant and blushing. The most beautiful precious flower surrounds itself with powerful protections, its thorns. A distant gaze may trick one into believing this delicate creation is docile, pretty, and submissive. But look closer, and it’s easy to see the flower is the opposite. One wrong grab or pluck and one could be left bleeding from the wounds the flower causes. Looks can be deceiving. Some of the most beautiful creations can trick our minds into believing they’re harmless even when they aren’t.

The flowers burn deep inside my soul.
It flourishes and sprouts, giving breath to new life.
The petals nourish the body
These flowers are the reason for continuing
They give me the strength to endure.
For the flowers are forever
embedded within.

The rain drips onto my bare skin, and it intertwines with my freckles. I watch it pool underneath my feet and feel it soak into my socks, wondering how long the storm can last. The thunder roars as the lightning flashed, bringing me to my knees. How can such a natural element in life be so powerful, to create a powerful feeling?

I look to the clouds above that are grey swirled with speckles of white. They appear to be crying for the past and yearning for the future. For how long can they cry and belt without being seen? The answer is unclear, for the clouds have cried for hundreds of thousands of years; we may never know why she cries. All we know is that she does, and all we can do is appreciate the rainbows that come after the storm. The rain brings a new day and growth through the violence and chaos.