There’s this light inside me,
That I once thought was lost
A fire that has been covered for so long
I thought I’d never find it again
Because it was buried under humiliation and lies
Humiliated of who I was and the things I had seen
But one thing I’ve learned
I shouldn’t be sorry for being me
And part of being me is accepting my past
So, I’m going to take that light
And let it blossom and break the glass
That has always enclosed me in my cage
So the world can always see
The person I was born to be.
My Broken Doll
I have this broken doll at the bottom of my drawer. She remains hidden from the outside world. Her limbs are twisted, and her hair knotted. Her white legs are covered in stains. A once pristine porcelain doll is now busted and shattered. Although she is battered and bruised from the years, I keep her. A thing that was once so beautiful doesn’t deserve to be thrown away with the trash. If anything, she deserves her own glass enclosure, preserving her beauty that won’t let her decay further. But I’m afraid my friends that life doesn’t work that way. Time doesn’t work that way. Because with time comes aging and the loss of beauty. Sometimes we become broken or hideous to those around us. But only after we lose our beauty do we truly see the characters hiding underneath our exterior. Only once we shed these facades will we see our real strength. Because without that safety net, all we have is ourselves.
This Feeling
There is this feeling
I cannot hide
It is a feeling
That I’ve harbored inside
For quite some time
It’s red and daunting
And out of control
How it came to be
I already know
For the fury, I feel
Became my coping mechanism
To deal with life’s unknowns
But now I must rid this feeling,
So, I’ll surrender
And let the feelings wash over me
And accept I cannot control
The world unknown
For this feeling is not who I am
Because now, I know it only hides
And distorts
Who I truly am inside
A Saturday Afternoon
On a Saturday afternoon, I sit silently in my bedroom on the soft white carpet. I wiggle my toes between the fibers as I listen carefully to the rain as it lightly pings on my roof. I slowly begin to gaze out my bay window down at the beauty that surrounds me. The vibrant forest and the sounds of the rain ease my mind as I watch the rainwater flow down the street. And I can’t help but feel at peace, at peace with myself and with the world. The sounds surrounding me aren’t filled with worry or fear. Instead, they possess a sign of extraordinary courage, courage so powerful, so great. Because the thunder never seems to mind who it disturbs. Instead, the thunder bangs and roars at whatever volume it deems necessary, no matter the cost to those affected. I envy that kind of freedom; to move about life being whatever one wants and not worrying about the social ramifications.
As my mind wanders, I stare into the distance at the tall daunting trees in the distance. They are filled with a quiet restlessness. I can hear them whisper in the wind, calling out to me. Their vibrant leaves hold the secrets of the past that will one day be told to the next generation. How will these secrets be revealed, you ask? Through their sounds, because if you listen carefully to the rustling of the leaves, they bare all the secrets one could ever hope to learn. The key is to listen, truly listen to the things that surround us, instead of filling our minds with clutter. Perhaps only then will we find the peace we so desperately search for in this world.
I Gaze
I gaze in the mirror at my reflection, and I don’t recognize the person I see anymore. My physical appearance looks the same, but somehow, I am different. Maybe it’s because I no longer see myself as the insecure girl I once was. Perhaps it’s because, over the course time, I have somehow managed to shed a part of myself that I never thought I could.
Lately, I’ve been thinking about why this is. I mean, how can a person change so much in such a short amount of time. A year ago, I moved to Denver, a much bigger city than the place in which I was raised. I had never lived outside of Idaho; I don’t blame you if you don’t know where that is. The point is, I was in the same place my entire life, and I felt stuck and bored. I was surrounded by negative people who I felt didn’t understand or support me. I always thought the problem was me; somehow, I was the person who needed to change, that I was the broken doll that needed repair.
Well, cue me moving away to a bigger city, and over a year, I discovered that the problem was never me. The real problem was I didn’t believe in myself and was too afraid to become my own person. Last year, I stopped writing, I stopped being true to my passions in life, and I stopped believing in my capabilities and talents.
I only moved here because I thought I was supposed to go to law school and become a successful attorney; not because I liked the state. But, even when I was doing the things I was “supposed” to be doing, I didn’t feel better. I still felt stuck, almost as if I were frozen in time. And I did the only thing I knew how. I finally listened to myself. I shut out all the outside voices and began to think about what I wanted for my life. I slowly began to write again. And most importantly, I quit law school, which was the best decision I ever made because I knew it wasn’t what I wanted. I believe that we can choose our paths, and I decided mine instead of doing what I was supposed to do.
This year I began living my life for me. And my decisions have reflected that. Everything I write, every picture I take, and the things I do are for me, not for everyone’s approval. And I have become a lot happier and self-assured.
And once I started thinking for myself, I learned that I didn’t need certain people in my life. I learned that all I have ever needed was myself. And now, when I look in the mirror, I see her, the person I’ve always dreamed of being, and I think that’s enough.
The Reflection
Mirrors, don’t reflect
Instead, they project
What we want the world to see
But we hide our true selves
Mirrors are fake reflections of us
Because what mirrors don’t reflect
Is who we are inside
As I Float
The water droplets form upon my skin as I lay in silence. I allow the waves to carry my body in any direction. I don’t care where. As I float on my back, I gaze into the majestic clear sky. I watch as the bird’s swoosh and dip in zig-zag motions above my head, but I can’t hear them. The water that fills my ears has silenced the world around me. All the violence, screams, and anxiety are quiet, as my ears fill with nothing but the sounds of the swishing water ripples. The water carries me down a path that I am unfamiliar with, but I don’t feel afraid. I feel excited to go where I have never gone before.
As my body floats adrift, I watch the birds overhead. They seem so free, so happy, like nothing I have ever seen. And sometimes I wonder what it’s like to be free. To be able to fly to any destination without care. To leave a life behind and begin anew, but I suppose we have that option too.
Mask
I wear a mask
So, people can never see the real me
I wear a mask
So, people cannot hurt me
But who am I?
I’ve been in the dark all this time,
Because of my fear of being seen
But the time has come to leave my fear
And become the woman I know I can be
And show you the person I’ve always hidden underneath
The Queen
There once was a queen who sat upon her throne
She was high and mighty, yet all alone
She ruled her kingdom with venom and malice
She thought that way nobody would steal her palace
She was secretly hated by all
As every one of her people anxiously awaited her downfall
Her kingdom was riddled with famine and poverty
While she sat in her castle surrounded by all her commodities
Even though she had everything within her grasp,
She still felt empty inside
Because she spent her time all alone
Until one day, one of her most loyal servants asked why she treated everyone so poorly
And she replied this was the only way she had ever known
And the servant replied you don’t have to be so nasty to keep your throne
You don’t have to live this life all alone
The next day the queen died, and the kingdom rejoiced
And she lost her choice
To live life, she had always wanted to
For now, she is stuck, and no one ever knew
Who she truly was
Because she hid behind her mask
Of hate and deceit, of malice and venom
So, she could keep her throne
I hope it was worth it for her do die all alone
The Rose Bush
There is a house on Cherry Lane, and it’s quite a sight. It’s the largest house in town, with ten bedrooms and eight bathrooms. It’s been there for ages, sitting vacant. It once was the place to be seen. Now, people are terrified of the property. Town folk won’t go near the mansion anymore.
From a distance, the house looks like a Gothic Cathedral. It’s grand and picturesque with its stone towers. On closer inspection, the overgrown auburn grass and the brambling bushes overwhelm the property, and the once pristine stained-glass windows are laden with cracks. Pieces of the roof have concaved as other pieces of the house remains untouched by the elements. People often wonder why this beautiful house sits abandoned. Myth has it that, when it was inhabited, some pretty horrific events took place there. The story of the house has become somewhat of a local legend.
Many years ago, Mr. and Mrs. Dawson resided in the house on Cherry Lane. They were the perfect couple, with him being the high school quarterback and her head cheerleader. They were two people that everyone believed were tailor-made for each other. They indeed appeared to fit together seamlessly. By the time they were married, the town had thought the Dawson’s were the epidemy of the perfect relationship. He loved her more than life itself, and she was loyal to a fault.
Naturally, everyone believed they would always be together until death do them part. It appeared the couple would stand by each other’s side no matter what the occurrence. Even after Mr. Dawson’s accident, when he lost one of his eyes, and it was replaced with an artificial blue glass one, and he was bedridden for months. Mrs. Dawson remained by his side as a devoted wife, caring for his every need. Their love seemed unbreakable, even through tragedy, or so it appeared.
Shortly before the accident, they built their dream house on Cherry Lane. A multi-million-dollar estate on acres of rolling hills. They wanted a large house so they could expand their family and have as many children as Mr. Dawson wanted. Their lives appeared to be like that from a fairytale. A beautiful princess saved and transported to the land of wealth and riches by her handsome, rugged prince. But appearances can be deceiving.
Mr. Dawson, a wealthy man, enjoyed his scotch. He enjoyed it so much that he drank it to excess. Maybe to forget his troubles, perhaps to forget his accident but it’s said that he came home drunk almost every Friday night. His drinking was a well-known town topic. No one ever thought much of it, though, and no one ever knew what transpired when he went home. No, his home on Cherry Lane held all the secrets, and so did Mrs. Dawson.
Mr. Dawson had somewhat of a fiery temper, and little things would send him into fits of rage. His anger mixed with his love of scotch was not the right combination for his devoted wife. Because every night, he came home from the bar, the quintessential power couple would argue. Maybe the arguments would begin over something simple, but they always ended violently. No one ever witnessed a fight, but they heard them. Often, the neighbors would gossip about the blood-curdling screams coming from the house on Cherry Lane, like those from a horror movie. Subsequently, after the arguments, the neighbors would often see glimpses of bruises on Mrs. Dawson’s body. After their arguments, she would only be seen in long sleeve shirts for days, even in the hot summer months. However, not one of the neighbors ever said anything, probably because they didn’t want to get involved.
Like clockwork, on any given Saturday, the neighbors would see Mr. Dawson carrying a bouquet of roses to his dear wife. The roses represented his apology for his behavior the previous night, they assumed. Mrs. Dawson always graciously accepted the roses, and it appeared that she continued to forgive her husband for his destructive behavior.
One beautiful spring day, the neighbors assembled and began to gossip about the neighborhood. A few of them mentioned that they hadn’t seen Mr. Dawson for a while, nor had they heard any fights between the husband and wife recently. As they discussed, some of the neighbors noticed Mrs. Dawson in her garden. She was planting a rose bush. One of them approached her and asked what she was doing. She explained that Mr. Dawson left to visit family in the South. And she was planting the rose bush to guide him home. The bush represented their devoted love for one another. Time moved on, and soon people forgot about the Dawson’s. Mrs. Dawson moved, and the rose bush continued to grow.
After some time, the rose bush began to take on, what others deem, a life of its own. It became overgrown and crept into the rest of the yard. Its thorns created a tangled web, that to some, formed a man’s face. It’s rumored that the roots would tremble and shake at night. And the neighbors swore they could hear the same blood-curdling screams that mimicked the Dawson’s fights. These noises emanated from the side of the mansion, where the rose bush resided. This led to speculation that the house was haunted, and the haunting had something to do with the rose bush. The house became known as possessed.
One day, the town’s mayor became tired of the gossip. To prove the house was not haunted, he assembled a team of men to go over and investigate. The group decided to dig under the rose bush, thinking it was the root of this legend.
Once, dug it appeared to be an average plant. However, one of the mayor’s team found something. After a section of the bush was uprooted, he discovered something very unusual in the dirt. A frosty blue glass eye lay in the soil starring at them all. Of course, this discovery only perpetuated the legend.
To this day, the Dawson house is abandoned. It’s reported that Mr. Dawson never went to visit his family. It’s rumored he didn’t even have family in the South. Some say he never made it off the premises. Nothing is known of Mrs. Dawson. The house on Cherry Lane is still thought to be possessed by Mr. Dawson’s ghost, and the remnants of the rose bush continue to grow.
